United We Stand

Speechless is a powerful word. Physically being stunned into silence is usually due to a wave of emotions either euphoric or insufferable. The morning of June 12^th, 2016, Alexis and I woke up from a night of partying in celebration of our friend’s wedding to news that made us speechless. It was around 10 AM when I heard Alexis say, “Oh my god” from the depths of my sleep. Still half in oblivion, I opened my eyes to her telling me 20 people died at Pulse Nightclub only hours before.

Fast forward an hour in both time and coherence, we find out not 20, but 49 people have now been pronounced dead. 49 people. Dead. 49 people dead at a club that Alexis and I have both spent many nights. 49 innocent people dancing on a Saturday with friends at an establishment whose sole purpose is to be a safe haven for the gay community.

Words fail to capture the heartbreak we both felt while crying in the midst of calling/texting our friends who could have been there or in the area and watching the news unravel on the deadliest mass shooting in US history. I called people I haven’t spoken to in years because I was so terrified to hear they were there dancing like we had so many times before.

As I received each confirmation of someone being alright, I would have a brief sigh of relief, but my heart continued to grow heavier because I knew there were friends and families who were never going to receive that call or text. The investigators dealing with the aftermath of the shooting said they had to tune out the continuous ringing and vibrating of cell phones of the victims strewn out across the floor.

These people were real. They had names and jobs and lives. Some were visiting from abroad. Most were American citizens contributing to our society. They had breaths that were taken away from them by hate, by cruelty. To be honest, it doesn’t really matter if the shooter was living a secret gay life or if he was an Islamic extremist or both. Those facts in this case are irrelevant to me. The shooter was an American citizen who legally bought an assault rifle while being on the FBI watch list. This is what matters.

Islamophobia is alive and well in our country because our media focuses on the handful of extremists that do not represent the majority of the Islamic religion. I am not a religious person by any means, but I do believe in our freedom as Americans. I do believe in our right to bear arms. I do believe in our right to religion, no matter what that religion might be and I find it funny that some people who keep preaching to “save” the 2^nd Amendment are also the same people who are against Islam as a whole. Are you suggesting we leave the 2^nd Amendment unscathed, while we degrade the 1^st Amendment? Sounds like a game of picking and choosing to me. An eye for an eye leaves both men blind.

The fact of the matter is, our country has a national health crisis of gun violence. There are multiple studies that show the likelihood of using a gun for protection over homicide/suicide is nil. We need some kind of revision in legislation to make a change in these numbers of death that increase every day. More lives are being taken away every day.

You can tell me all you want it’s the person and not the gun, but I want everyone who truly believes that who is reading this to take a second to ponder this. If Alexis was kidnapped, tortured, brutally raped and killed in a basement the chances of me buying a gun off Craigslist and going to kill that son of a bitch are very high. I’d like to think I’m a decent human being that has morals and knows right from wrong. This does not change the fact that I see red sometimes. WE ALL see red sometimes. Every, single, person on this planet has the potential to kill someone when put in a compromising circumstance. The world we live in today is very scary and has a lot of people’s tensions running high. Easy access to firearms makes it scarier and deadlier, point blank.

These are things we have to consider when talking about gun reform. It’s not an easy conversation to have. People feel strongly one way or another, but our solution so far has been “do nothing”. So we’ve done nothing and gun violence continues to sky rocket. This isn’t just an issue on a ballot anymore, it’s THE issue and we all have a moral obligation to our country to find a solution. It is imperative to our future as a nation.  

I pray for peace within our citizens. I pray for our African American brothers and sisters as we fight for their freedom of prejudice. I pray for the gay community as we continue to face the adversities of discrimination. I pray for our law enforcement that mostly consists of outstanding citizens who wake up in the morning to risk their lives so that we can all be safe. I pray for balance within our government. I pray for the conservatives to loosen their grip on their ideals and for the liberals to meet conservatives halfway.

You see, I pray (to whom or what I’m not sure) and then I seek action because action is what’s going to heal us. Neither left nor right is faultless in the mess we’ve created and it’s urgent that we all come to terms with this rather than pointing fingers. We need to find some common ground. We need to have constructive conversations that produce results. We can’t keep bickering and stomping our feet. It’s not just a suggestion anymore, it’s essential.

The potential to stop the violence is within our reach; harness and utilize it. I am proud to be an American and I pray that we soon become United again.

It takes courage to save lives.

     In the past 3 months, our country has taken monumental steps towards the future. Bruce Jenner, an American icon for winning the men's decathlon in the 1976 Summer Olympics, announced he was in fact a woman. Laverne Cox, a wildly talented actor who is also transgender, made the cover of Time Magazine. Bruce came out as Caitlyn Jenner and made her official debut on the cover of Vanity Fair. Barack Obama acknowledged the transgender community in his 2015 State of the Union Address. Same sex marriage became legal in all 50 states. The Equal Employment Opportunity Commission ruled that Title VII of the Civil Rights act of 1964 included the LGBT community in protection against discrimination and harassment in the workplace. Aydian Dowling, a FTM transgender bodybuilder is in the final running to be on the cover of Men's Health for the month of November. Next year, transgender Americans will be allowed to serve openly in the armed forces.
     Seeing this development within such a short amount of time gives me infinite amounts of hope for not only our society, but the world as a whole. I can honestly say even as a lesbian who has been openly living for over a decade now, I did not expect to see this kind of progress so soon in my life, which is absurd seeing how it's 2015. Even Jeb Bush no longer believes LGBT people should be discriminated against in employment in housing. Times are changing. We are evolving as a country. We are evolving as humans. No matter what side of the political or spiritual fence you personally stand on, this fact is undeniable.
     While I wholeheartedly believe in the freedom America has given its citizens to live their own truths, speak their own thoughts and pray to whichever higher power they so choose, I do not see the benefit of spreading hatred. I've read a handful of articles, posts and blogs with varying arguments on the opposition of Caitlyn Jenner receiving the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. In one I found particularly disturbing, comedian D.L. Hughley stated Caitlyn was unfairly chosen because she "put on a dress" as if Bruce Jenner showed up to the ESPYs as Madea.
     This brings to mind a conversation I had with my mother a few years after I came out to all my family and friends. We were speaking about my thoughts on marriage as well as having children in the future and she asked very hesitantly if I ever considered transitioning into a male. This question did not offend me considering I had dressed masculine the majority of my life, but it did catch me off guard causing me to burst out into laughter. I assured her I was 100 percent satisfied with being a female. Today I have evolved enough to understand clothes are clothes. I feel comfortable in both men's and women's apparel. Are there some I stay away from? Absolutely, on both ends of the spectrum, but they do not define who I am or that I am a strong woman who loves to love other women.
     In saying this, I have only personally known two transgender people, one MTF after transitioning and the other FTM both before and after transitioning. I do not know what it is like to feel trapped in the wrong body, but I can say from my conversations with these two individuals and literally watching one become the person they feel on the inside, they do not go through all this trouble just because they want to. Transgender people feel the need to be the opposite of what they were physically born as. I think this is something that gets lost when speaking about these individuals who are just as human as the rest of us. Can you imagine waking up every single day knowing you can't live your life the way you were meant to because your body doesn't correspond to how you feel inside? This is the important question here.
    My psychology/sociology teacher in high school, Frank Campagne, who also became the sponsor of our Gay Straight Alliance, taught me something extremely valuable that I have found myself applying throughout various points in my life. He told us there are three steps to integrating concepts, beliefs, cultures, lifestyles, etc. into society. The first is Tolerance. In this instance, tolerance would occur when someone like Hughley can recognize a transgender person for existing as they are even though it is against what he personally believes in without voicing any bigotry towards the subject. The second is Acceptance. Moving from tolerance to acceptance is the shift in approval from these individuals who originally opposed the idea. Last is Understanding. This is of course the hardest of the three even for those who are completely accepting of differences. Understanding is being able to relate, which can be hard for those who have no concept of what it's like to be trapped in the wrong body.
     For those of you out there who think Caitlyn Jenner did not deserve the Arthur Ashe Courage Award because she did not exemplify the definition of courage, I urge you to listen to Abby Wombach's introduction along with Caitlyn's speech. Albeit long, this segment provided extremely important information to the public and was vital to the beginning baby steps of tolerance in our country for the transgender community. 20 percent of transgender individuals are homeless at one point in their life and 41 percent have attempted suicide. These statistics are both staggering and heart wrenching. How can we as good-natured humans deny the existence of any other human? How can we ridicule these people for their need to feel whole? Caitlyn said she thinks she may have found her life's calling by having the platform to bring this information to the masses while her mother, Ester, sat in the crowd beaming with pride for her child. Ester Jenner is 88 years old and has nothing but love for her now 65-year-old daughter. If that's not love in the purest form, I don't know what is. No matter what your opinion is on transgender people or Caitlyn accepting that award, she saved lives by being on that stage and she will continue to do so as she proceeds with her life's work to bring awareness to the less informed areas of the world.
     The media now relies on gossip and judgment to fuel entertainment, constantly chomping at the bit for the next big story. It is our responsibility as living, breathing creatures who need love and compassion to survive to know when enough is enough. Attacking one's personal life and how they live it is not only demoralizing to the recipient, but also internally damaging to the intolerant voice begging to be heard. I am most certainly guilty of judgment, but I consciously try my hardest to always stay objective. I do not wish to change anyone's perception of how they view the world around them, but I do ask that we all take more time to educate ourselves on things we know little to nothing about. There are far too many negative things in the world happening today for us to start turning our backs on one another. I change a little bit every day. We can always learn more and it's definitely never too late to start being kind.

I may have been down, but I'm sure as hell not out.

   Today I decided to head to Union Square to hit up the bookstore once I was done with work. After I grabbed a few books I went to Maoz (let's be real, their falafel pitas are out of this world) and then made my way to a bench in Union Square Park that I have sat in many times before to enjoy my dinner amongst the wonderful array of diversity that is New York City (huge, bushy tailed squirrels included). While indulging my delicious meal, I decided to give my house in Florida a ring. My little brother, Kevin, picked up the phone and we proceeded to have a twenty-something minute long conversation. At the end of our catching up he said something that reminded me what today is.

    Today is my one year anniversary of officially moving to New York City. I can't say whether it feels like it's been shorter or longer because I feel them both at the same time. So much has happened within the past 12 months. I rejoined my amazing Dreamer family for the summer and was fortunate to mentor 100 students pursuing their dream jobs. I had an apartment for two seconds, but ended up not having it because the landlord said my friend's and I didn't have enough proof of financial stability. I took a roadtrip with my mom to move my belongings and my little fluff ball, Coco, from Florida to a sublet. I finally found a permanent place and moved in with complete strangers, who have now become some of my very good friends. I worked for one of the highest rated luxury retail companies in the world. I met endless amounts of incredible people who have impacted my life greatly. I lived through one of the worst winters New York has seen in decades. I fell in and out of love. I rediscovered my passion for writing poetry, which had been lost for many years. I was unemployed for five weeks. I was absolutely dirt poor and when I say poor, I mean I had pennies to my name. I lost a friend to a motorcycle accident. My grandpa was in and out of the hospital. Needless to say, this year has had its ups and downs.

    Many of these things happened within seven weeks. April was the hardest month I have ever had to experience in my 24 years of existence. My heart and mind were in an extremely dark place, uncertain and lost within vulnerability. Staying positive was more than a struggle, which if you know me is absolutely nothing like my character. Everything I did felt emotionally draining. All I could do was try my very best to keep my head above the water. And this is the time where I thank the people that I am eternally grateful for:

   - To my family, you have and always will be my backbone. Every day you called to help keep me sane. You pushed me to be better, albeit gently as you understood how fragile I was at the time. Your unconditional love continues to serve me throughout the cloudy days and into the sunny ones. Mom, Dad, Adam, Kevin, I love you four the most. Always. 

   - Anthony, you sir have become such a blessed part of my life here in the city. I simply put could not have survived my lull without you. When I had no money, you took me out and paid for me. When I couldn't be alone, you gave me a bed to sleep in and a loving body to hold onto. When I forgot my profound love for the world, you reminded me of who I am. No amount of money will ever repay you for the friendship you have given me. I love you so much Antonio. 

   - Courtney, there is a reason why you are my other half. Thank you for doing what you do best, making me laugh. Always making me smile. They say laughter is the best medicine, well you and I know it's undoubtedly true. Thank you for being my best friend, for being the yin to my yang, for always knowing the right things to say even if you are countless miles away from me. I love you brodog. 

   - My beautiful Lieter, you are honestly what got me through every day. You may not know this, but you were my beacon of light within the darkness. I cannot express to you how much it meant to have you checking on me constantly. You and I have been through a lot this year. I have dropped the ball on a few occasions. No longer will that be the case. Although we are at different places in our lives, I do believe our paths will cross again someday when it suits us both. I will be ready this time. That's a promise. I love you Lola. 

   - SARAH! The biggest thank you of all goes to you because you rock hardcore. Your random phone call may have gotten me a job, but more importantly it gave me hope when I so desperately needed it. Never did I think I'd see the day when I'd say thank heavens for Bahama Breeze, but alas! Without it I never would have met you down in Florida to begin with. All of these people were my shelter from the storm, but you were the savior that stopped the torrential downpour completely. Thank you for pulling me out of my funk, unlimited amounts of love to you!

    One entire year. 365 days. I now have two jobs that I love. I'm stable again, in more ways than one. The rough patch that I went through has made me stronger, wiser, more aware of my surroundings and more aware of myself. As I always have in my times of struggle, I now look back and embrace the hardships. I am not bitter about the things that have happened. The situations we find ourselves in all serve a purpose. My purpose this time was to come out ten times stronger and 100 times more radiant than before. It's springtime. The trees have leaves again, the families in my neighborhood are having BBQs out in the street on the weekends and I have found again my equilibrium between insanity and determination. How fitting it was for me to be sitting in Union Square Park when I realized it's been a year, the very first place I called home in NYC. Never again will I forget my boundless potential. I'll leave this with the best piece of enlightenment from my precious little brother during a phone call in the peek of my oppression. Although they are someone else's words originally, they were exactly what I needed to hear at the time and have stuck with me ever since.

"Doubt kills dreams more often than failure." - Kevin Moody

Just Noise, White Noise

    This afternoon I walked my girlfriend to her train from her house and then decided to walk to my own house rather than walking to my train. It was snowing and had been all morning. As I began my trek home, I watched the people around me on the street walking by in a hurry to some unknown destination. This brought up the thought of how so many people in the world live their lives racing the clock and never really win. We constantly think time is against us. A never ending game of cat and mouse all because we are trained to think there are not enough hours in the day to complete everything we'd like to get done.
    Then I started thinking about the weather. I assume it started coming down early in the morning and never stopped because there must have been at least 6 inches on the ground already. I saw a few people looking as if they'd rather be anywhere else than standing outside in the snow. It occurred to me that most probably consider snow to be an inconvenience in their daily lives. It's a valid statement. Snow can be dangerous, snow can be dirty, snow can be annoying, snow can be cold. But as I was walking down the street thinking all these things, I could only see the beauty in it. Even the discovery of the crack in the bottom of my sole on my left boot that was letting snow creep its way into my sock couldn't shake my feeling of complacency.
    We all too often get caught up in these "inconveniences" and lose their true meaning. Nature is a gift that has been given to all of us, free of charge. We have been given the right to breathe fresh air, to have picnics in the grass under the sun, to dance in the rain, to admire the snow quietly falling from the sky. I couldn't stop myself from taking pictures of the trees covered in white that so looked like the branches were made just to hold the undisturbed piles of fresh powder.
    When I got to Bushwick Ave, I started seeing a lot of families walking together, which makes sense seeing how there are a few schools in the remote area. Telling you I did not pass one single child without snow in their hands is an understatement. I must have seen a dozen kids altogether, at different times, and they all had ample amounts of snow in their hands. They all felt the need to participate in this simple occurrence of nature. I wanted to join them so badly. In fact, I nearly picked up a handful to make a lethal snowball to hand off to the next kid that I passed and whisper, "Use this wisely" with a wink. The only reason I did not act upon this idea is for fear that a parent would be upset about it. And THAT is the difference between the lifeless and the dreamers. The lifeless have been scathed by this notion of inconvenience. The lifeless don't remember that snow can lead to hours of fun. The lifeless have forgotten they were once an innocent child that wanted to create things. But the dreamers, we see these "inconveniences" as adventures. We see obstacles as opportunities. Sometimes I swear I can even see the world in colors that haven't been invented.
    Yes, our time is extremely finite, but what is the point in filling this time with cynical views and impatience? We are powerful beings. We have the potential to do extraordinary things. I will never understand how the lifeless can be content with seeing this beyond vibrant world we live in through colorless eyes. With all of this being said, I just wish everyone would take a second to stop and smell the roses. Be understanding. Be kind. Find your inner child. Go exploring. Read a book. Write a song. Be creative. Use your mind exponentially. Tell someone you love them. Live the fairy tale you once believed in. I'm doing all of these things and this is the happiest time in my life to date. I want you to succeed. I want you to be conscious of your global effect. I want you to be the best person you can possibly be. Take the inspiration in your life and turn that inspiration into positive results. And never, ever, stop believing.

Au Revoir Florida

    23 years. I've spent 23 years living in this beautiful state. As I'm sitting in the airport now, I find myself rummaging through old memories and all the good times I've had here. Florida gave me a home. The sunshine state welcomed my parents from chilly Michigan decades ago and it provided the shelter, warmth and protection that allowed my family to live a happy life. It gave me an education. Hopefully a good one seeing how that same education has left a $39,000 deficit in my pocket! Florida brought some of the most beautiful people into my life. Some have walked out, some have stayed by my side, but every single one of them have left footprints in my heart. It showed me how to fall in love and how to cope with a broken heart. It taught me how to be patient, to put others before myself and to help the less fortunate. I have made many mistakes, all of which I have learned something from. I have grown here and it will forever be my safe haven. I'm currently listening to a playlist that I made last year for my lovely Samer Sansil's birthday. Each song on it brings back happy memories, both specific and vague. I'll share a few of them now. 

#1) Wannabe - Spice Girls

- This was the ultimate high school jam. Courtney, Lea, Dani, Holly and I would jump around Holly's room for hours while laughing our heads off dancing and singing to this song. To this day, we still break out in uncontrollable foolishness whenever we hear it. 

#2) Young, Wild & Free - Wiz Khalifa, Snoop Dogg & Bruno Mars

- This song makes me think of the night I went to Orpheum with Robyn, Sam, Anthony, Natalie, Sherman and Adrianne. When we stopped by Robyn's place before going back to Natalie's to resume shenanigans, this song was playing while Anthony was sitting next to me with a pillow case wrapped around his hand from the injuries that Tampa Bay's rocks decided to inflict on him. Thank you Natalie for not letting me jump to my demise. :) Jameson and the Walrus. And gypsies. And eventually stitches. One of the best nights of my life. 

#3) Brat Pack - The Rocket Summer

- This song makes me think of all the times that I sang it with Meagan and all our UT friends. I remember I sang it with Meagan, Meagan Tucker, Lisa, Sarah and Taryn on the way to see Jacob's band play nearby. We didn't get to see the show on the count of everyone being 21 except me. It was okay though, Jake told the manager of the bar to shove it and canceled his set for not letting me in. 

#4) What's My Age Again? - Blink 182

- This makes me think of a lot of things. The Blink-182 concert I went to for Courtney's 19th birthday. Always running around like a crazy person. All the dares I've done over the years. Dancing in public, singing awful when everyone is watching. Ya know, typical Erin stuff.

#5) The Great Escape - Boys Like Girls

- This song came out my senior year of high school. It was the perfect jam to end my high school career. I listened to it on the way to graduation and I also listened to it on the way to Tampa for my first semester of college in the Summer of '08. Leaving Port Charlotte was a huge breath of fresh air for me. I left that town and I told myself I was never going to look back. Never have I, nor do I plan to.

#6) Luckie St. - Cartel and Weightless - All Time Low

- These songs make me think of Courtney. All the sleepless nights we've had. Crazy roadtrips, countless videos, too many pictures to count. Basketball games. Finishing each other's sentences. Laughing about the smallest of things. Stupid fights that we eventually got over. I have never had as much fun with anyone else than I have had with that girl. Here's to many more years full of many more unforgettable memories.

#7) We Are Young - fun.

- There is a collage of memories with this song, but it always involves the same people. Sam, Chelsea, Anthony, Joe, Alex, Patrice, Adrianne, Jenni and Maggie, literally screaming this song as loud as we can out of the windows in Sam's old Kia. I remember always feeling a sense of completeness whenever we sang this song together. Like anything could happen in that moment and it wouldn't matter. 

#8) Summer Girls - LFO

- This song reminds me of the house that I lived in until 5th grade. The album this song came off of was released in 1999, which would have been my last year living in that house. It makes me think of how I had to move into Adam's room so Kevin could have mine. I didn't mind though, I thought living on the top of Adam's bunk bed was the best idea ever.

#9) Seventeen Forever - Metro Station

- This song makes me think of Winter Break in '08 when I lived with Kaitlin in her apartment in Hyde Park. My little air mattress on the living room floor. The time we got groceries from Sweet Bay down the street and all the eggs ended up being cracked because I forgot to check them before I put them in the cart. The time Meagan and I carried a thrown away (but looked brand new!) microwave into the kitchen, and it didn't end up working. What kind of person doesn't own a microwave anyway! I believe she did end up buying one after I moved out haha Good times.

#10) In This Diary - The Ataris

- No specific memories come up for this song, but it does always remind me to keep a light hearted perspective when it comes to growing up. I think too many people relate maturing to also letting go of the young soul that likes to have adventures living inside of them. Becoming another year older should never tell your inner voice that it's time to stop exploring the world. I believe the second you tell that voice to be quiet is the exact same moment that you end your life, whether you are still breathing or not. 

I am now sitting in the JFK airport. Back in good old New York. While it isn't the state I was born in, I do feel like it's my true home. I feel at ease here. I feel in my element. I see everyone on the train, in the street, at the coffee shops and I know these are my people. I'm still growing as an individual. I'm still learning things about myself every day. I imagine these things won't ever stop, as there is always room to grow and learn. I just know this is where I want to do it. So to Florida, I must wish you farewell. Please take care of all the people that I love so dearly and my little fur ball Coco until I can move her up here in August. Thank you for these past 23 years, I wouldn't change any of it for anything. 

Dear Mike

    It is very hard for me to comprehend what has happened in the past 24 hours. I don't know why the universe has decided to take you from us. I can't explain the monumental loss we all feel here on Earth without you.

    You were the best manager I have ever had the pleasure to work for. You taught us all that work can be fun if we let it. There were days that I genuinely looked forward going into Beef's to spend time with all my friends and get paid to do so. The days we sat in the office watching Youtube videos, the days we sang Nirvana together, the days we would just talk about life, the days we would spend the whole shift competing in an intense game of Words With Friends, they are all full of good memories. You always knew when I wasn't feeling okay. You could always tell when something was wrong. Whenever there was a time that you could put someone else before yourself, you did it without even thinking twice. That's just the kind of person you were. A loving, selfless, compassionate man that would stay at work late so a closer could go home and study for their test the next day. 

    The day you left Beef 'O' Brady's I knew things would never be the same there, and they weren't. But whenever you would come visit, you always made sure to say hello to everyone and ask how they were doing. Not because you had to, but because you truly wanted to know. 

   When I stopped working for Aramark, I was sad that a chapter of my life was coming to a close, but happy for the next one to begin. I will cherish the time I got to spend with you outside of work these past four months. Playing weekly trivia at Gaspar's, and spending countless hours at bars all over Tampa and Brandon just enjoying each other's company with all our amazing friends. You were a part of my favorite day in 2012, when we all went out to Brass Tap. That night was the first time in a long time that I felt pure bliss. And after we closed down the bar, we all went outside and decided to jump those barricades with the caution tape. You hurdled the barricade without any difficulty and Tommy fell to his demise, while ripping his work pants in the process. Just thinking about it now makes me laugh. 

   I will never forget the random Monday that you and I spent a few hours at the Hard Rock together. You had just finished getting a filling at a dentist appointment and watching you try to drink whiskey while half of your face was still numb was absolutely priceless. We played double exposure black jack and laughed the whole time because of how crazy of a game it is. When I went to pay for my drinks, you waved me off. I said okay I'll buy you a beer at trivia on Wednesday and I will never forget your response: "These things always have a way of working themselves out." Even then I felt the depth of those words, but replaying them in my head now makes me really see the substance in them. 

   You are no longer here with me or my other best friends that love you so dearly. I'm looking at our current Words With Friends game right now. You have 311, I have 318, and there are 0 letters left to draw from. I remember the day I played the word 'hexes' on you and it turned out to be a 100-something point word. You were so pissed. That was one of our competition days at Beef's. I'm down to my last 7 letters in this current game, but it's your turn now.. it's never going to be my turn again. The gravity of it all is starting to set in.

  You were an excellent manager and a wonderful friend. I know I speak for all of us when I say you will be sorely missed by many. I don't see right now how this particular thing will manage to work itself out, but I know it will. Not just because you said it, but because in the end everything happens for a purpose. We may never know the purpose of your passing, but the purpose of your existence is very clear to me. The lives you have touched will forever remain changed for the better. I know you are somewhere right now with Aaron Bright, smiling and singing away in a place that holds no pain. I love you. I miss you. Someday we will sing Eleanor Rigby together again. <3

Love, 

Erin

"The sun is gone, but I have a light." - Kurt Cobain

I Came. I Saw. I Conquered.

    It feels unreal to be writing this right now. I have spent these past two months building my professional network, meeting new people, learning an insurmountable wealth of information about the fashion industry and loving every second I have been awake in the city. Not only am I going home with a very good idea of what I will be doing in January, but also friends that I will keep in touch with for the rest of my life.
    Here is a brief rundown of what I have done at my job for those of you who don't know. My boss, Sharon, launched her own clothing line in March of this year called Born in December. Since I have been working at the showroom I have: called possible clients, called existing clients, organized the showroom, organized production of B.I.D.'s Fall Collection, packed and shipped out orders, operated/administered B.I.D.'s Facebook/Twitter, and my favorite part of my job is I designed all the CADs for B.I.D.'s Holiday Collection. CAD stands for "Computer Animated Design", many designers send out linesheets to possible clients with CADs on them rather than spending loads of money on a photoshoot and then mass printing for a lookbook. Here is one of many that I have created:

    To make a CAD, I go into Adobe Illustrator and start from scratch using the pen tool. I literally look at the sample from the collection and start free handing. I must take this time to give a big shout out to Don Wendell, my Digital Publishing 1 and 2 teacher in high school. Without him and those elective classes that I took, I never would have known how to draw something like this on a computer. Thank you for sharing my love for Apple Inc. and giving me the knowledge I needed for my future in fashion. I am forever indebted to you Mr. Wendell! 

    I have enjoyed every second I've spent working at the showroom. Sharon is one of the sweetest people I will ever meet. The fact that I got to see a whole line come into production is just amazing. I now know everything that it takes to be successful in the business side of fashion. A portion of Born in December's Fall Collection is now available on Singer22.com and I cannot express how proud I am of my boss. She has worked her ass off for a long time and there is no doubt in my mind that she will receive the results she is looking for. Everyone look out for this line in the future, it will definitely be going places!

   Since I have been in New York, I have had delightful chats with many people. For instance, the head of HR at Calvin Klein and the Executive Assistant to the CEO of LVMH (Louis Vuitton Moët Hennessy). Both of these individuals were at seminars that Dream Careers put together for us. Doing this internship through this wonderful company is probably the best decision I have ever made. So many amazing opportunities are already coming out of it. I would like to thank all of the Dream Careers staff for becoming my very close friends. Jordan, Jinou, Chandler, Áine, E-Man, Steven, it has been absolutely awesome getting to know you. I see very bright futures for all of you and I can't wait to see what becomes of your talents! And of course my dear Ellen. You have become such an inspiring person to me. I was so lucky to have you as my internship advisor. You have been right there with me since March when I started this crazy road to finding a job and you have never left my side. I can't thank you enough for helping me and encouraging me to pursue my dreams. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

    The rest of this week is going to be crazy. My family is getting to the city tomorrow night. Thursday I am very fortunate to be seeing an old friend of mine, Asher Levine. I followed Asher when he started the Gay Straight Alliance at our high school and became the Sophomore Class Representative. He is now a well respected fashion designer in the city and has designed custom pieces for people like Lady Gaga, will.i.am, Black Eyed Peas, Bruno Mars, Scissor Sisters, Sam Sparro, etc. I am dropping by his studio in Tribeca just to say hey and catch up a little. His team is working on Men's Market Week at the moment, so I won't be there for very long, but I am so excited to see his lovely face! It's been way too long. The rest of the time I have left before leaving will be spent packing, saying my goodbyes and having fun with my parents and my brothers in the city. We still don't know what the plan is on when we're leaving, but would you expect anything different?! Procrastination is a long time Moody tradition, we are flawless at it. :) 

    I today, more than any other day before, am so proud to be a Moody. My dad has been a part of the Port Charlotte Rotary Club for well over a decade, if not two. This club is chalk full of upstanding citizens from all over Charlotte County. When they meet for their ritual breakfasts once a week, they pass a hat around for people who would like to dedicate a dollar to something important/significant to them and they say what they are dedicating the dollar to. Two different individuals this morning dedicated a dollar to Chick-Fil-A and told everyone to 'Eat Mor Chikin' on national Chick-Fil-A Appreciation Day (tomorrow, August 1st). When the offering got to my dad, he put in a dollar for a safe trip up to New York City to spend a relaxing vacation with our family and then he put in another dollar and said, "This dollar is for my daughter because she is gay and our family will no longer be eating at Chick-Fil-A or supporting what they believe in." He then got up and left. My parents, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents have all supported me and have continued to love me after "coming out" to them. I realize I am extremely blessed to have this kind of support system behind me and I would like to take this moment to thank every one of them, especially my parents. I came out to my parents when I was thirteen years old and they never once disowned me, stopped loving me or told me it was just a phase. Growing up, I was taught that all people were made the same, no matter what race, biological sex, ethnicity, religion, or sexual orientation they are. It is possible to coexist. It is possible for everyone to live in peace, even if their moral values aren't all the same. I have hope for the future because of my family and everything they have taught me. Thanks for being awesome Dad, I love you. 

    I will end this saying that I am exactly where I want to be in life. Young, wild, free and full of possibilities. I now know that I have everything it takes to be in fashion, not just the personality and drive, but also the technical skills that are needed to be successful. I have been running 4 miles just under 25 minutes every day. Today I ran my first mile in 5 minutes and 13 seconds. Never did I think I would be able to accomplish a feat like this, but I did because I told myself I could. I can do anything I put my mind to. I can be anything I want to be. I know where I want to go, and I will be there in 10 years. I WILL be there in 10 years. And to anyone who has ever doubted me or looked down on me, thank you. I must give you the biggest thank you of all because you all are the pictures burned in the back of my mind when I think I can't do something. You are my motivation to tell me that I can. You are the force pushing me towards every little thing I have ever dreamed of and I can't wait to prove you all wrong. 

"Whether you think you can or you can't, you're right." <3